The Last Three Weeks

I was eating lunch in my classroom with my kids one day and all I had to eat that day was my trusty box of Wheat Thins. I said aloud, mostly to myself, "Man, I really need to go grocery shopping." 

Live replies, "Yeah to buy some more tight clothes."

Now this was the first casual Friday that I had ever participated in by wearing jeans. My jeans were skinny jeans to be fair, but nothing like hipster boy skinny jeans. It was more of a cigarette-leg, if you will. 

Clearly offended, I said, "What are you talking about? My clothes are not that tight."

Liva: "You can hardly fit in them, they are ripping on the side." 

Me: "Those are not rips. It's called distressing. It's supposed to look like that. They're made that way."

Liva: "You can hardly move in those. If you're pants get any tighter you're gonna be walking around like this." *Does a Frankenstein-style walk around the room.*

Needless to say, Liva ended her day on a yellow card and had to owe me five minutes of recess. 

She greeted me this morning with, "Oh good, you finally repainted your finger nails."

Who knew 7-year-olds would be so judgmental about my appearance?

Out at recess one day I saw a group of my kids arguing on the soccer field. It was three of my girls against three of my boys. I went over to enjoy the drama and maybe tell them to stop if it wasn't anything entertaining. 

Me: "What seems to be the problem here?"

Afia: "Jorge said Karla told him I like him, but I don't and Karla didn't say that."

Jorge: "Afia said Cristian told her I like her, but I don't and Cristian didn't say that."

Me: "So... let me get this straight. Afia, you like Jorge?"

Afia: "No! I don't!"

Me: "... and Jorge you like Afia?"

Jorge: "No!"

Me: "Ok then you don't like him, he doesn't like you. Nobody likes anybody. So what's the problem?"

Barrett, my sweet little boy who spends most of his recesses inventing new Tron video games (he's up to Tron 6) had sauntered up and started listening mid-argument. He chose this moment to pitch in and help me out. 

Barrett: "Guys! You know what? It's ok. I have a crush on a girl in my video game!"

Katie: "Did you know that caffeine can cure headaches?"

Me: "Oh, it can?"

Katie: "Yeah... well on adults sometimes. If my mom has a headache she can have caffeine to make it better. But I'm too young, so it won't work on me."

Liva: "I am so glad my parents aren't addicted to drugs."

Claudio: "Miss Earl I created a new video game. It's called Claudio and Braxton Vs. Spongebob 2: It's About Time."

Me: "That's a pretty good name."

Claudio: "Wanna know what powers I have?"

Me: "I would love to, how about you tell me at recess?"

Claudio spent the rest of the day finding any moment besides recess to tell me all the various superpower capabilities that the characters in his game had. And it turns out, everyone in the class was a character in his game. 

As I was walking by his desk he whispered, "Isaac has a blue suit for ice mode. He shoots frozen things. Like... frozen peas. Yeah, frozen peas."

He came to my desk to tell me, "Jorge can eat graves. He eats all the grave stones in the whole graveyard."

While he was sitting on the rug, I called on him to answer a question and he said, "Cristian A. has the power to shoot 500 boomerangs!"

When I went to help him on his worksheet he grabbed my hand and said, "You shoot fire out of your fingernails because they are red."

I don't know about you guys, but that sounds like a video game I would totally play. 

Regina: "Miss Earl, you look like a grandma."

Alexandria: "I think you look like a very rich lady."

Liva: "I think you look like a baby angel. But only, your face needs to be a little bit shorter."

So I will now be describing my looks as... versatile?

I was working with a small group one day that normally gets pulled out by another teacher during that time. 

Regina: "I wish we were going with Mrs. B today."

Me: "Mrs. B is really nice, isn't she?"

Regina: "Yeah, she's the best teacher ever."

*awkward pause*

Regina: "But Miss Earl, you are a way better teacher than Mrs. B."

Me: "Well, it's not a competition. But thank you very much."

Braxton: "Teacher, what if it was a competition?"

Cristian: "Yeah! Who would win?!"

Regina: "I think you would win Miss Earl. You are the bestest teacher."

Cristian: "I would say Mrs. R would win."

Me: "What? Mrs. R teaches third grade, you've never even had her."

Cristian: "Yeah. I know. But I hear she is really good."

Oh hey, I teach in Utah.

Me: "Ostyn, you really need to get writing. Do you need me to help you think of an idea?" 

Ostyn: "That's ok, I'll just pray about it."

(Folds his arms and closes his eyes.)

When I walked by two minutes later Ostyn was writing. He looked up at me with big eyes. 

Me: "Prayer works."

I wore a cream shade under my blouse one day. 

Liva: "Miss Earl, I'm pretty sure I see your Garments."

Me: "I didn't have time to get to that, alright. I am a very busy person. "

Liva: "Ugh, things mormons say..."

We were reading the Tiny Seed by Eric Carle

Liva: "Hey Miss Earl, do seeds have spirits, too?"

So I guess it's mostly just Liva who's open about her faith, but it still makes me laugh. 

Also Claudio said this to me today. 

"Miss Earl, you look very pregnant today."

Not just pregnant. Very pregnant. 

I replied, "Claudio, you just really hurt my feelings."

He shook his head really quickly and said, "No! I mean you look like Princess Peach!"

Sorry, Claudio. There's no coming back from that one.  

2 more days 'til Friday!

A Conversation Overheard

Today my class was working on cutting out paper for an art project. I turned on the Pandora relaxation station, which I sometimes play when they're working individually. This is the conversation I overheard.

Leslie: Ugh, why does she always play the romance music?
Liva: She needs to get married already.
Regina: No if she gets married, she will get pregnant...
Liva: Yeah and then she will get fat.
Regina: No! Then she will have a baby!
Leslie: Then we won't be her favorites anymore. Because she will love her baby.
Liva: Yeah, but babies are so cute. And teacher is old. She's supposed to have babies.
Leslie and Regina: Yeah.. she should... you're right...


Happy Tuesday!

It's Claudio (Said in the Mario Voice)

Today was picture day. Claudio came in his best button down shirt with a fancy corduroy jacket over the top. His hair was perfectly slicked.

As I was herding my kids to line up to get their pictures taken, I caught the following conversation:

Picture lady: Oh don't look fancy! Go ahead and take a seat with your knees facing forward. That looks great. Ok now can you put your hand down?
(Pause)
You look great, I just need that hand to come down.
(Pause)
Your hand is blocking your face can you put it down?
(Pause)
Why do you have your hand like that?

Claudio: It's holding my hat
Picture lady: But you're not wearing a hat.
Claudio: This is how Mario poses in all of his pictures.

Well he's not wrong.

I finally met Claudio's mother today. The first thing she said to me was, "He doesn't talk about Mario too much, does he?"

Hmmmm... How much is too much?

One Week Wiser

I've got one more week as a teacher under my belt and I have learned some very important lessons.

#1. Kids notice EVERYTHING...

I brought in a ziploc baggie with some cookies my dear sister Kendall made for me to school one day. Knowing that my kids would see them and want them, I hid them behind the frame on my desk.
Claudio came up to give me my morning hug (he's a hugger) and mid-sentence (which I'm sure was about Mario) his eyes zeroed in on the corner of my desk behind my frame.

Claudio: Miss Earl, are those cookies?
Me: Yes they are. My sister made them for me.
*Claudio goes back to his desk and returns a minute later
Claudio: I'm really hungry.
Me: Bummer. We have a long time until lunch.
*Claudio goes back to his desk and returns thirty seconds later
Claudio: Miss Earl, I wish you would put those cookies away. They are very distracting.

#2. ...well, everything that is important to them. 

As a second grade teacher, you do a lot of walking backwards. I have learned that as soon as you turn your back to them, kids turn into demons. Without fail. Every. Single. Time. So I walk backwards every day and never watch where I'm going. I know, I'm a giver. I do it for the children.

So this one time I'm walking my class to P.E. and I was getting after someone for talking or pushing their neighbor or one of the million other things I nag my kids about, when I walked right into the metal pole in the middle of an open doorway. It knocked the breath out of me it hurt so bad. And I bit my tongue really hard. And I wanted to cry a little bit. But instead I asked my class, "Why did nobody warn me?"
To which Tehani replied, "You're the one who works here."

#3. Students really do think teachers are all knowing beings. 

Leslie: How do you spell because?
Me: b-e-c-a-u-s-e
Tasi: Teacher, do you know how to spell every word?
Me: Yes I do. Give me a word and I'll spell it.

They threw out a couple of words off the top of their head. School, desk, wonderful... then it got very quiet as they all thought of a word that could stump me.

Tasi: Germany! (with a very proud look on his face)
Me: G-e-r-m-a-n-y
*class cheers*
Tasi: WOW. You DO know every word.


I was trying to get a student signed on to a math website and just wasn't having any luck. The boy sitting next to him, William, noticed my struggling and jumped right in to help. It's important that you know that William can't say his r's or his l's, so everything he says is ten times funnier.

William: Aw you twying to sign on to Fast Math? I know how to get theyoo. But, yoh a teacha. Why don't you know how?
*he looks at me disgustedly and gets on the computer to help his neighbor*
Me: Oh there it is! Thanks, William
William: It was easy. I just went to the student website. How did you not know that? Fast Math is on the student website. Don't foget that because it's weewy impotant. Do you want to watch me do it again? Yoh a teacha. Teachas should weewy know that. (With the same disgusted look on his face.) *This story may not be as funny in writing, but oh my heavens I'm crying just thinking of it. So funny.

#4. Every victory counts. 

September is Attendance Awareness Month at our school. Any class that gets less than 8 absences for the entire month gets to have a BYU athlete come eat lunch and play with them at recess. The front office put up posters to track the attendance for each class. For every day you have zero absences you get a star. I never go by the front office, so when I finally did this week I was surprised to see this:

Not only am I beating the entire Second Grade, I am beating the ENTIRE SCHOOL. I have perfect attendance in my class!

We may not be learning much, but we're showing up and that's what counts. Now fingers crossed the athlete they get to hang out with my kids is a basketball player. And a dude.

#5. Kids are full of fun facts. Chalk full of them. 

Ruth: Miss Earl, Jameson grabbed my leg and he pulled me off my chair and my last name means mountain of the sea and I really didn't like that he did that but also my first name, Ruth, means friend and so my name is like friend mountain of the sea and now my leg really hurts and I wish he hadn't done that.

#6. It doesn't matter how much you bribe or threaten them, your class will misbehave for the sub.

#7. When your class misbehaves for the sub, you can make them put their head down on their desks and you will have five minutes of glorious, glorious silence. Plus, you feel super BA when you're able to instill the fear of Zeus into 21 little kids. 

#8. Notes of appreciation are great. And then they get old. 

Especially when they are preceded by:
"Teacher, how do you spell miss?"
"How do you spell Earl?"
"How do you spell are?"
"How do you spell favorite?"
"How do you spell teacher?"

And she still didn't get it right...

#9. When it comes to teacher swag, apples are SO last year. 

That is a flower, a bracelet made from a shoelace, and a half eaten Snickers bar.

And nothing says, sorry we were horrible to the sub like some freshly picked weeds!

#10. Kids can't keep a secret. 

Miss Baughman (one of the teachers on my team): You're little Cristian walked into my class today and he was doing the splits and cartwheels and just dancing all over the place. So I told him, Cristian we don't do that in the classroom, dancing is for recess time. And do you know what he said? Miss Earl let's us dance! Hahaha, can you believe that?
Me: What? No, that's totally crazy. What a liar, kids are stupid...

Close enough?

"Hey Miss Earl! Is this how you spell my name in cursive?"

"Not quite, Cristian...."

Is it only Tuesday?

Cristian: Hey Miss Earl, Tasi has an eraser in his ear!

Me: What? You mean on his ear?

Cristian: Nope! It's inside. And it's stuck in there good, huh Tasi?

Me: Tasi is that true? 

Tasi: (nods)

Me: Well, how did the eraser get in your ear? 

Tasi: I have no idea. 

Me: Well, did you put it there? (Tasi nods) Then I'm thinking that's how it got there. Let me see it. I don't see anything. Are you sure it didn't fall out already. 

Cristian: Look closer Miss Earl! It's real deep!

And so I did. And there it was. 

And after 6 hours of "Eyes on me!" and "voices off!" I just lost it.

After a solid 30 seconds of laughing hysterically, I wiped the tears from my eyes and said, 

"Well Tasi, let's just hope your parents think this is as funny as I do."

In the words of Claudio: I saw it! I saw the eraser! And it was so awesome (whispered in awe.)

Please don't let this be the start of a new trend in my class.